Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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