i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
