We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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