Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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