PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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