You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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