Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
