Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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