I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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