Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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