Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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