I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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