so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
