I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
