if you like me you must not know who I am
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
