Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
