I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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