mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
