I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
