I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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