Pants 0. Shit 1.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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