I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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