I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
