I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
