rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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