he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
