Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
