i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
