Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
