you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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