I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
