Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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