if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
