I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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