remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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