I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
