I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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