They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
