Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
