I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
