where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
