me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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