**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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