I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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