Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
