She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And then he peed in my hair
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