I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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