I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
