So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
