I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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