that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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