someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
