just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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