is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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