Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
