This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
