i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
