I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
