shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
